Respect

I know you have to earn respect. What happens when you try, and try and try, (to earn it) and it just doesn't come? What happens when I've done everything I know - and still can't get the job done? What I fear most is that this person who I feel is disrespecting me, doesn't have a clue they know they are making me feel disrespected. So, I keep repeating to myself "nobody can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them".

Supposed to have a "fun" weekend planned, and yet I am finding myself not wanting to go. I don't want to stay here either, so I'm filling with more anxiety than humanly possible.

It helps to write this blog. I pray that NOBODY is reading it. Yet, I wish someone would and offer a little advise. (be careful what you wish for woman)

Since packing is needed, and a "to do" list is growing....I better get going.

Friday Night

Monday through Wednesday didn't go too well at work. Sick of the drama and whiny two faced people. Yesterday was much better, and so was today. Just in time for the weekend.

Might drive to Grand Island Sunday. I need to do something instead of stare at these four walls. I worry so much about little things, I need to get over that - right now.

MENTAL ILLNESS.....sick of it. Sick of the paranoia and anxiety.

But otherwise, it's all good. Warm weather is coming.

Hate

Hate is a big word, and I try NOT to use it. I try NOT to feel it. But sometimes, it seeps out of every pore of my body. It oozes from my soul, and makes me grind my teeth!

I have a co-worker that I just can NOT stand. I have tried to accept her as she is, but frankly - she is a nasty woman. She is very arrogant, and I am not confusing this with confidence. She is bitchy, treats people like shit, and throws temper tantrums when things don't go her way. Of course, she's the only one who really works and I'm sure she feels like our business is riding on her shoulders. But only when we're successful. Oh yea, she's one of those people that never makes mistakes. Because - when she does - it's always someone elses fault. Not hers.

One time, recently..I heard her refer to me as one of her "besties". I bit my tongue all afternoon. Honey, I am NOT your bestie. I'm pretty sure she was saying that as a lame attempt to make me feel "good". FAIL. I don't need you to feel good. There isn't anything you can do, or say to make me feel bad about myself. I can do that on my own. In fact, I feel better knowing IT'S NOT YOU that makes me feel bad about myself sometimes. (does that make sense?)

Anyway, I tried to extend an olive branch to her today. Brought "party bag" type Valentine's bags for all my co-workers. Including her. You should have seen the look on her face when I handed it to her. She glared at me. She didn't even have the courtesy to say Thank You! See, she's a wicked bitch. I didn't expect an acknowledgement via hand written thank you note. I did expect something other than being glared at - then ignored.

Fine. Feeling is truly mutual, obviously. What I wouldn't do to get the hell out of that place - tomorrow. FOREVER. But, since I make really good money I think I'll stay and make it my personal goal in life to make her life miserable. Which really won't take much, she's already pretty much miserable.

Why dedicate a post to someone I dislike so much? Because the venting helps.

Now - tomorrow's another day. I am a better person than her, and it's my quest to show/prove it to her and to myself.

Snow Bowl

So, I've decided that a little snow shoveling is good for me. It keeps me way busy over the weekends, and even during the week it gives me something else to do besides sit on my ass in front of the tv with this stupid computer on my lap.

Mental illness running rampant. Can't say anything without saying something inapropriate and offending. Don't mean to say those things, it just happens. Don't make friends very easy, and don't keep them either. Twice this lonely weekend I've pondered suicide. This is not good. Slept a lot too.

On a positive note, I've accomplished the dishes, the laundry and got a little retail therapy. Yes, I actually went to the mall and spent some money. Got me a new robe (one like I wanted for xmas). It was $54, and I got it for $16.50. I also got a little black nighty that is kinda sweet. It cost more than the robe, but Bill will like it. It's not in any way a sexy, lewd garmet that should only be worn with one intent. I met him half way in the middle. I also bought two dressy shirts and three tank tops. I bought a three drawered box to keep my lia sophia jewelry in too. I just need to get some shelf liner to put in each drawer so the stuff doesn't slide around. I swear I have some of that somewhere.

Been up since 5am, but went to bed last night at 7:30pm. I need to stay up till at least 8:30 or 9:00 so I'm not up at 5am again tomorrow. However, it won't be the end of the world if I am. I took my vitamin D so I just might stay up a little later. Also got some heart burn going on. Damn cheerio's anyway.

Lonely old weekends...I hate you. Hope summer will be better.

Anxiety

Took almost $500 to bail Erin out of her most recent financial crisis. Having a lot of anxiety about that. Hmm....wonder why? Feel like a chump? Yup. Nicole drove up today, and had planned on having a great day with her. She started in telling me some very disturbing things about Dane. Things I could have died not knowing. I would love to move her out of that house tomorrow and back home. I just don't think she deserves that kind of relationship. However, like she said, he could have worse habits. Yes, this is true. But, this is also disturbing to me. Definately changes my feelings about him. Who can I share this with? Nobody. So, more anxiety.

Snow

Ok, so yet another 10" of snow over the last 24 hours. Enough already!! My arms are twanging tonight, and my hands are stiff. It was a productive day. Unfortunately, I'll not be getting my car fixed tomorrow. Erin claims to have to be at work by 8am. I don't really want to worry about getting to/from tomorrow anyway. Hope the damn thing starts in the morning.

Over drawn

Erin got an over-draft notice on Thursday. Found this in the mail after I gave her $40 to play darts. She told me earlier today that she put part of that $40 in her gas tank. Tonight she calls and asks to use my car?? Why?? "Because mine only has 1/4 tank of gas in it". I ask, "where are you going?" She replied "just over to Val's". I told her I'd rather give her $20 than loan her my car. When she came over I asked her how "over drawn" she was? "I don't know, I'm afraid to look". I give her another $30 and tell her to put all of it in her gas tank. Expecting her to go to Casey's when she left, she headed up hill. Hope she doesn't drink that $30 up instead. She tells me that she gets paid on Tuesday. I hope there is money left over when she deposits her checks. I am not paying her rent. She tells me she has been irresponsible. I AM SICK OF THIS SHIT.