I don't understand?

Ways in which I feel taken advantage of by my oldest daughter:
1) Bought her a nice car, she doesn't keep it clean. I'd settle for "picked up". Right now, it smells like an ash tray, and looks like a dumpster.
2) She will not pick up after herself, nor help with any household chores.
3) She will not keep her room picked up. Currently there is a pile of suitcases and clothes about 3 foot high, right inside her door. Many fast food containers also litter the area. Many times I turn off her TV because she choses to leave it on......because she doesn't pay the electric bill.
4) She has spent $2000 in ONE MONTH on SHIT. That money was supposed to be used for school, however I understand she did not have a steady job until this last couple of weeks. However, she also refuses to limit her spending. Example, fast food.
5) She has now trashed the guest bedroom for the second time.
6) She did not help Nicki clean the bathroom, which she is just as guilty of trashing.
7) I pay for her cell phone, which she MONTHLY charges ring tones and games never intending to reimburse me.
8) She will not take financial responsibility in any way. I'm sure her loan will not come through and we'll have to pay Northeast a late fee, and pay the tuition until that loan comes through.
9) Dad fell down the stairs this morning because he stepped on one of her game controllers that has been on the stairs for weeks.

I think this is enough for now.

Annual Review

Ok, it's that time of year again that we all get our annual review. I hate this shit. I think I'm a good employee. I'm not perfect, and I get caught up in gossip---but I know my shit. I know the business real good and could slide in and help out in most areas that are non-professional. However, as I said--I tend to gossip which causes me to get pissy. When I get pissy I get in trouble. I know that I wouldn't get in that kind of trouble if we had different, FAIR management. I know things would be better, and the company would be better off without that HR director and the E.D. That HR director does not have an impartial bone in her body. She's moodier than me, and that's what's scary. She obviously has her favorites and really doesn't hide it. (no I'm not one of them because I stir the pot) She loves the people that don't make waves. I need to learn to be one of those people. But I have a conscience. I can not pretend to work all day as they do. I've got to be busy and get my work done. Those others - I don't know how they do it---but they don't work. I guess they make it known that they can't handle anything larger than a pad of paper - so their work load is just that. No challenge.

Enough rambling.....I can tell I'm tired. This doesn't even make sense.

Home Life

Home life has been stable the last few days. Husband gets on my nerves, and grows wider every month. He complains about not enough sex but his hygene is not the best. I'm not in the mood either, but that doesn't help.

Kids have been fair. Youngest is mouthy, but knows when she needs to shut up. Oldest going to college. Its on her dollar, not mine...at least for the most part. I hope she does well this time. Third time's a charm, so they say.

Suffering

Erin was supposed to get up and go to the bank with me today so she could apply for a student loan. Money is due Monday. She didn't come in last night until after 4:00am so obviously getting up and getting to the bank by 10-ish would be difficult. She's a big girl, and I decided not to wake her up. Nicki and I left at 11:00 for the mall, and lunch. She was gone when we got back at 2:00pm. She's not been back home. I'm sure she's pissed at me for not waking her up. (well, not totally sure)

I just don't know how much more I can take before it really, really gets ugly.

Jealousy

It's eating me alive. Some days more than others. I just don't understand why my kid can't get through college and others seem to have virtually no problems? Just found another friend who's two sons are very successful at a Christian based private college for which I'm sure they both got very good tennis scholarships. My kid got a full ride too, for volleyball--never played one game! Never even practiced a full practice due to her shoulder surgery. Now she's out. Can't get past that calculus and therefore won't have enough credits to play this spring. She's not going to take any summer classes because she wants to be home, instead of school for the summer. No sacrifices for that girl. I guess being 90 minutes away from home was just too much of a sacrifice for her. I thought it was much better than being 120 minutes from home, but I guess--what's 30 minutes? Now my other kid is talking her big college plans and its hard for me to not discourage her. She's the one who struggles to pull in high "B"'s as it is. And, I am supposed to jump in and fork out the big bucks knowing the chances are good she won't succeed. Please GOD! Prove me wrong!

Mothering

If I had to do it all over again, not sure I would. The heartache is too great to bear sometimes. I know I don't handle "things" very well, and it's no suprise to anyone who knows me well. When they were little babies and sick...I was sick. Almost to the point that my husband would have to take over. And, he did - sometimes - when he was home. The worry just ate me alive. (sometimes I wish it really had) It still does.

I've felt so bad for so long...months, and keep blaming it on my kids. They are rotton, but could be a lot worse. It's just not turning out how I wanted it to.

I wanted them to be good girls, with nice friends, from good families. I wanted them to succeed in college, and at work, and in their personal relationships. So far, not so good.

Now, I've got a 19 year old who can't handle a major university, nor could she handle a private college. So, third time hopefully is a charm. We're down to the "tech college" here in town. Don't know why she's not looking for a job. Don't know what she thinks she's going to do when that money* runs out. My relationship with her has gone to pot and I can't seem to pull her back. Not for lack of trying.

My 16 year old is slowly drifting away too. Thinks she owns the world. I keep having to remind her on an almost daily basis who's in charge. (it's not me, but she doesn't know that) My husband thinks he's in charge. Ha!! I think he's slowly starting to smell the perking coffee. I think Bill Cosby had some stand-up routine about this very situation. (maybe not?)

Anyway, to do it all over again?? Hmmm...that's really a tough one. I'm having a hard time remembering the "good" times because it seems the last 10 years have been mostly a struggle. (did I mention that a good part of that 10 years my husband has been gone for Military related activities)

Maybe I just plain F--K'd up and really need to get to the doctor. I think I've blogged about that so far too....a couple of times. And, (not really funny) I've only been doing this blog thing a couple of days.

Sick...

*money given to her by the STS college scholorship foundation.

Happy New Year!

2009! And I had this strange notion that 2008 would come to an end quietly and smoothly. The month of December was pure hell for me emotionally. I found that I can not get along any more with my family or co-workers. (at least it seems like that most of the time)

Medication, you idiot! Well, depression is a demon! It keeps you from being happy and productiive, it keeps you from seeking treatment.

I've been on anti-depressants. The first round kicked me in to a round a seizures that lasted for years. Come to realize, it was the 6 pack (or more) of beer per night was also a contributing factor. DAMMIT!! I wanted to prove them all wrong. It isn't my beer drinking that is causing these seizures. It's because I have epilepsy! So, in January of 2002 I decided to show them all!! I will show you! We'll just see how long it'll take before I have another one, and then I'll say...SEE!!! I told you so! Well, it's been 7 years and I'm still waiting. Shit I hate it when I'm wrong. Well, I almost hate it. I am glad I'm not having them any more, but I'm still taking my medication. I don't take it like I"m supposed to, but I'm not off of it. Maybe 2009 will see a visit to my neurologist. I'll ask him what he thinks.

2009 is supposed to be the year I buy a new motorcycle too. Well, I'm leary of that right now, since I dropped the one I own now when I was putting it in storage. Right in front of my daughter, next thing I know--I'm on the ground, gas leaking out of the carburator, turn signal light broken, clutch handle broken. I hadn't dropped it in two years? What the heck?? I'm not buying a Harley just to bang it all up, or much worse---wreck it. Maybe I am getting to old for this crap.

My resolution this year is again, get fit. Drop 20# and let my hair go natural. I've been dying it every month for two years straight. It's totally white without the brown dye that I have to re-touch every 4 weeks or I begin to look like an old skunk.

My resolution this year is to not get involved in something that will hurt my family. I've been turned on by a "kid" at work, and have no idea why. He's quite young, but something about him trips me up every now and then. He's nerdy but a little wild. I think that's what it is. He says nice things to me too...and thats when I get flustered. Hopefully I won't have to worry about that. I've enough to worry about.

2009 will hopefully be another good year in that we'll see nobody dying on my side of the family. My parents are quite elderly, but healthy. I'll pray for my sake they remain stable.

2009 will hopefully bring me a new job. I'll pray MORE for that.

2009 will come and go, regardless and that's what I'm for sure of.