Mothering

If I had to do it all over again, not sure I would. The heartache is too great to bear sometimes. I know I don't handle "things" very well, and it's no suprise to anyone who knows me well. When they were little babies and sick...I was sick. Almost to the point that my husband would have to take over. And, he did - sometimes - when he was home. The worry just ate me alive. (sometimes I wish it really had) It still does.

I've felt so bad for so long...months, and keep blaming it on my kids. They are rotton, but could be a lot worse. It's just not turning out how I wanted it to.

I wanted them to be good girls, with nice friends, from good families. I wanted them to succeed in college, and at work, and in their personal relationships. So far, not so good.

Now, I've got a 19 year old who can't handle a major university, nor could she handle a private college. So, third time hopefully is a charm. We're down to the "tech college" here in town. Don't know why she's not looking for a job. Don't know what she thinks she's going to do when that money* runs out. My relationship with her has gone to pot and I can't seem to pull her back. Not for lack of trying.

My 16 year old is slowly drifting away too. Thinks she owns the world. I keep having to remind her on an almost daily basis who's in charge. (it's not me, but she doesn't know that) My husband thinks he's in charge. Ha!! I think he's slowly starting to smell the perking coffee. I think Bill Cosby had some stand-up routine about this very situation. (maybe not?)

Anyway, to do it all over again?? Hmmm...that's really a tough one. I'm having a hard time remembering the "good" times because it seems the last 10 years have been mostly a struggle. (did I mention that a good part of that 10 years my husband has been gone for Military related activities)

Maybe I just plain F--K'd up and really need to get to the doctor. I think I've blogged about that so far too....a couple of times. And, (not really funny) I've only been doing this blog thing a couple of days.

Sick...

*money given to her by the STS college scholorship foundation.